A Journey Into the Automated Abyss

a) Jab yourself in the eye with a sharp stick.

b) Call a customer service number to ask a question, lodge a complaint or request a service.

If you considered a) for even a fleeting second, you probably flashed back to the joy of navigating an automated voice system while elevator music droned in your ear and a chipper voice thanked you for holding for the umpteenth time.

Testing, Testing

Depending on which study you read, customer call centers have improved a bit. However, we hate to take anybody's word for it. So we conducted a very small and wholly unscientific study.

I rustled up some guinea pigs (i.e., begged friends and family) to help make calls. We chose obvious companies like the cable and telephone behemoths. We picked at random a bank, a local utility, a government agency and one media company.

The rules were just to call the company's customer service line, work through the automated system, see how long it would take to get a human on the line, and then ask them one real question we had. We couldn't lie about having a complaint or a problem.

Here's what we found:

Baltimore Gas and Electric, (800) 685-0123

After one ring around 11:30 a.m. on a weekday, an automated voice promptly welcomed us to BGE and then told us that our call may be recorded. At 35 seconds into the call, the voice directed us to a menu of options for power outages, billing information and service outages.

We pressed the digit for billing questions and within two minutes, a very friendly Ms. Smith asked us how she can help us today. We inquired about budget billing and in a blink of an eye or two, she signed us up.

The Plus: Fairly quick, friendly service. Bonus points go to Ms. Smith for making us laugh.

The Minus: We had to listen to The Voice for two minutes.

The Baltimore Sun, (800) 829-8000

We dialed to ask about subscription prices. We're told to hang up and dial (888) 539-1280 for subscriptions. We dialed the new number. A voice told us that all reps were busy so we can either hold or press zero.

Fortunately, we pressed zero. Fifteen seconds later, Sheila explained all the package prices and we thanked her.

The Plus: The call took seven minutes, but it only took 45 seconds to reach a rep.

The Minus: Uh, whose bright idea was it to have readers who want to pay for paper delivery hang up and dial another number?

Verizon Wireless, (877) 214-4572

A human answered right away when we called before noon, causing us to forget the question we wanted to ask. We sheepishly told the rep we no longer needed her services.

The Plus: Speedy Gonzales-fast response.

The Minus: None. We felt like Verizon Wireless cared.

Verizon, (410) 954-6260

Pleasantly surprised by its wireless division, we called the landline help line around noon with great expectations.

Silly us.

Robo-voice asked us if the number we're calling from is the account we're calling about. We say, "No." Robo-voice then asked for the number. We recited them aloud. Robo-voice recited the digits back to us.

We listened to a long menu. Long enough that we got distracted and had to listen again.

Not sure which option to pick, we chose to repeat, "Something Else" until Robo-voice said that heavy calling volume would delay connecting to a rep and, meanwhile, perhaps we'd like to buy video, Internet and voice-bundled services.

Eight minutes and 27 seconds into the call, we were still waiting, tapping our toes to Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. At 12 minutes and 37 seconds, another Robo-voice thanked us for waiting patiently.

At 19 minutes and 39 seconds, when we were ready to faint from hunger, Mrs. Groton startled us awake. We asked about services and she checked our account.

The Plus: Mrs. Groton nicely suggested bundling all our Verizon and satellite TV bills into one tidy bill. We thanked her, especially since she saved us from eating the phone cord.

The Minus: The wait was excruciating, especially when ol' Herb and the TJB's song ended. We wondered how unjustly unpleasantly we might have treated Mrs. Groton had we really needed help.

Bank of America, vehicle loans domestic line (800) 215-6195

BoA robot wanted to know if we're a customer. We pushed 1 for yes. BoA robot wanted our ID number. We didn't know it so we pushed 1 again for "other options" to check our car loan balance. Robot then asked for our Social Security number. We pushed a few more buttons, answered a few more questions and at three minutes and 30 seconds into the call, Robot said we have a four-minute wait.

Three minutes and 30 seconds later, we had a lovely interaction with a rep and ended the call.

The Plus: The rep thanked us profusely. We considered calling the nice lady back just to chat.

The Minus: As with some of the other calls, had we reached a live person right away, it would have gone faster.

Comcast Cable, (800) 266-2278

Automaton One thanked us for calling Comcast and then said we might be recorded for training purposes. We pushed the button for billing. Muzak filled our ears until Automaton Two informed us there was an outage in ZIP code 21224 and it was being fixed. Neither of those things had anything to do with us or why we were calling.

Halfway into the wait, the Muzak was so soothing we began to daydream and forgot what department we were trying to reach. At 15 minutes and 43 seconds, a live rep answered and told us our US$99 contract was expiring in a month. He explained the new rates and suggested we call a week before it ends to request a $129.95 package.

The Plus: Comcast reminded us to call back to ask for a deal on its services when our contract is up so we don't open up our bills in a month and get an aneurysm from higher prices.

The Minus: They woke us up from our dreamy snooze.

Social Security Administration, (800) 772-1213

This interactive voice system was unbelievably painful.

For the first minute and 39 seconds, a voice told us about the coming tax rebate. Then it gave us a list of options. We needed to correct an SSA error in our name. So we chose the name change option -- and got booted into a prompt to get a form mailed to us.

We provided our address and then, three times, pronounced our not-so-common name aloud and spelled it. Three times, the robo-voice mispronounced it back to us. Then it gave up and said it would just mail it to "Social Security Member."

How ironic and thoughtful.

At six minutes, we pushed a button to get to the main menu and said, "Service rep, please." Robo-man told us the wait would be long, especially if calling early in the week or early in the month. We were calling midweek at the end of the month. He estimated a 10-minute wait. Our eye twitched.

For the next 13 minutes, Robo-man and Robo-woman took turns regretting our long wait, apologizing for the delay, urging us to find a fix online, thanking us for holding, telling us they have helped 50 million people (to do what?!), and assuring us that they are doing their best.

At approximately 20 minutes and 15 seconds, Benita rescued us from the ledge.

The Plus: Benita was polite and sympathetic. We realized that having a real complaint really tries your patience. We also solved a question we've often wondered about and the answer is yes, you can lose all will to live in just 20 minutes.

The Minus: Benita was unable to help us. It took us another 10 minutes to quell our rage.

Lessons Learned?

So what did we learn from all this?

"There seems to be a disconnect," said Walt Tetschner, the industry adviser for gethuman.com, a Web site that publishes toll-free numbers and tips on how to reach a human faster. "They seem to think they're providing good service, but callers don't seem to think so."

According to a 2007 Dimension Data study, 42.8 percent of organizations worldwide said they offered personalized service to improve customer interactions , up from 28.3 percent in 2006.

Yet 70 percent of consumers said they experienced rage when calling a company about a product or service problem, according to the Customer Care Alliance's 2007 Customer Rage survey. Worse, 55 percent said their problem was still not resolved after investing hours, and sometimes days, on the phone.

"You'll still find that companies erect a lot of barriers to talking to a live agent," said Scott Broetzmann, chief executive of Customer Care Measurement and Consulting in Alexandria, Va., a CCA member. "I think it's safe to say that it's more difficult than ever to get ahold of a customer service rep at a company."

It's also safe to say we'd still give Option a) serious consideration before trying this again.